The following transcript is excerpted from the video above.
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[4:00]
But I'm so lucky to see you guys tonight. I also wanted to say hello to everyone all around the world watching. At this point there's no time and space. There's no space because everybody's is going through his thing synchronously. And there's no time because there's not really much to hold time in place throughout the day. So you can really text anybody any time you want now. If you'e been feeling this one, you can text someone at three o'clock in the morning. It's not rude because it's like, you're up, they're up.
Everyone basically has a newborn baby. Everyone is living the life of having a newborn baby. But to everyone in other countries, please stay strong. Please, please, please. The only redeeming thing, and I mean maybe the only redeeming thing—no I do mean the only redeeming thing right now—is that everyone is going through this together. The entire world is going through this thing together. I hope you've found some peace in that. Because I have.
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[17:07]
What am I sipping on? I'm actually sipping on a beverage that apparently, unfortunately, cannot solve this crisis and therefore I am not mentioning it.
[...]
[27:10]
John Mayer: If you're going to talk to me after 9 PM, don't try to frighten me.
Dave Chappelle: John, all of my phone calls are terrifying.
JM: All of my calls are terrifying. And I just don't need it in my life. What I'm trying to tell my viewers to do—my friends, to do—is that you have to switch to local at a certain hour. Where it's only you.
DS: Someone just commented that we're giving them anxiety. Will you man the fuck up? Jesus Christ. It's only been five days. Will you relax?!
JM: You're like the story that everyone heard about growing up of the boy who can't feel pain.